Anyone who knows me, is aware of my constant battles with my mental illness and PTSD and it's many insidious variations, and I'm always trying to find ways to deal with the shit that goes on in my mind.
I do it with the help of the amazing people and years of therapy but it still takes a tremendous amount of willpower and patience, which by the very nature of who I am, I possess precious little of.
But I hold it together. Somehow.
Day after day, meticulously balancing the pieces of myself right where I need them to be to ensure my own survival.
Inevitably though, no matter how long I've played this merciless game...at some point I'm going to fall to pieces again. It might happen from exhaustion, or sometimes it's happens because I get just a little too arrogant about how well I'm coping and forget who I really am.
Sometimes it happens because...well shit happens, you know? Then I'm left standing in a pile of my own dismantled defence mechanisms, trust issues with myself and others, feelings of abandonment and disposability and nothing between me and the very clear reflection of who I really am. Who I've always been. Who I'm certain I'll always be. This is when every bit of self hatred I've been trying to convince others isn't there, smashes down on me like the weight of a thousand planets. And when I need that strength that I rely on most...it just isn't there.
But I won't give up. I've been building walls for so long and the pieces are always right where they fall. Sometimes the thought of putting all that shit back together for what seems the millionth time..is just fucking painful, but it's necessary. I'm doing it now and I will do it a million more times if that's what it takes. Why? Fuck I don't know, for me, my parents, my kids, my friends, my abusers, whatever reason drives me that day. It doesn't matter why.....it just matters that I keep rebuilding every time I fall apart.
Scribble complete!
🫰❤️🫖
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Do it for you, do it for your boys, do it for your dog, just keep doing it. 🦅🪶 TJ